My first year of high school, I wasn’t excited to go school shopping the way all of my friends were. I was really nervous about the first day but it wasn’t for all the reasons my friends were nervous. My first day of high school was filled with so many emotions, excitement, embarrassment, pride, love, and anticipation. As you get older there are some things that you start to forget, a time, a place, an acquaintance, an occasion or even a birthday or two, but this day was one that stands out in my mind like it happened yesterday. September 6, 1986, I wore a purple and white sweat suit, white slouch socks, with white Reebok classics and I wore my hair in an asymmetric bob. As soon as everybody saw me they all did the same thing, rubbed my tummy. I was 9 months pregnant and that’s the first thing that you noticed when you saw me. Three days later I was in labor and on my way to the hospital while my friends were on their way to school. My beautiful baby was born on the 9th of September and at that very moment, life as I knew it forever changed. I gained a heart filled with determination and joy that could overcome any adversity that ever came my way.
My years in High School were hard but I was harder on them then they were on me. In 1988 I had my second child and my heart grew stronger, I went to school during the day and worked from the afternoon to the evening. I kept my grades up and graduated on time. By the time I was 19 I had 4 children and had moved out of my parents home had purchased first car and was working my way from a job into a career. I overcame so many moments in life that should have broken my fight, my spirit and my faith but I learned how to search for the blessing in each moment of mess that I encountered.
Had I not had my children early I would not be able to still have enough youth in me to run around with my grand-kids. I find joy in being able to do things like go out into the backyard and jump around on the trampoline with them. Had I not had my children when I did I wouldn’t have started my career in Project Management so soon so I wouldn’t have all these years of experience. Had I not had my children so early I would not be filled with the drive and determination that I have in my heart because everything that I do and set out to do is based on my purpose to provide for them and assure that their future will never consist of the struggles that I went through.
In August of 1994 I gave birth to my first son after having 4 girls and 2 months later I woke up to his lifeless body and in that moment I felt a hurt and heartache that I had never felt before. For an entire year after his death, my life memories are blank. There are bits and pieces that I remember here and there but for the most part, my mind blanked out that first year of mourning and grief and over the years my mind and spirit repaired itself. Today I hold an angel in my heart and peace in my spirit that cannot be explained in words and I can handle anything that comes my way because I've already been through the worst of all pains.
Had I not gone through that I would not have started a small support group on Facebook that brings Mom’s together who have lost a child. We have been there to uplift each other during some devastating days so that loss of my son has now turned into a blessing for other moms in the form of support from words, virtual hugs, and prayers. Everything that has happened in my life is what needed to happen to me so that my mess could become my message. You see when life gets you down you have to get back up, get through whatever it is you’re going through, get over it, and get back into living. Find something positive in everything in life and live it to the absolute fullest of your ability. Love hard and go after every hope and every dream you have ever had. You can accomplish anything you want in life as long as you have the will to do it. Find a blessing in your mess, your mess is your test and let it be your message, you never know who needs to hear it.